Two Hearts

Her genes laid in a pool of her own blood, all she could do was cry and sigh in relief. ”Thank you” she shouted. Relief soon turned to regret. Her hands and face covered in blood, the blood unknown to her, Maybe Jonah’s blood. She didn’t know and she never would.

Her first regret, she would never know. She got up feeling cold and sore. That is how she would always be, she lost all chances of love as soon as she read that test.

It was her fault and she knew it, if only that night would have ended differently maybe she wouldn’t have felt this pain, maybe she wouldn’t have felt these regrets. It could have never ended differently.

Memories that never got a chance to live, they died at first thought, she didn’t give him a chance and she spilled his blood.

The bottle and the bag had already ruined her long before he could, well she would never know she never gave him a chance.

Maybe it could have been different, if she had that love, maybe it could have been different if she didn’t lose that hope, maybe it would have been different if she was cared for.

It never would have been different.

He never even got the chance to say mother, she crushed the opportunity as soon as it could have been dreamt of. She took everything from him, but little did she know, he was her, she stole it all from herself, the blood running through her veins, a chance at normality. She never knew one night could hurt so much, she didn’t know it could cause so much pain. Maybe If she knew it could have been different.

She knows it was her fault but he can take the blame, The one that got away, he would always be her forever love. He didn’t know. He never would.

She now walks the streets an empty crackhead with a broken heart, two broken hearts. She caused her pain and she will end it.

She jumped but not in happiness or joy from a first milestone but in immense regret, pain and depression.

One heart for another.

Elizabeth Akinwande

I’m 100% fine

Is it until I say ‘my mental health is deteriorating and I feel like the world is closing in on me and that I feel so alone’ is when you decide to intervene.

Are my little glimpses of the emotions I’m feeling, not enough to tell you I’m not okay.

My stomach clenches in queasiness and I feel like throwing up just because of my anxiety,

Why is it in my point of view the world is against me,

Why is my pain so unnoticeable but so profound?

Do you care?

I need somebody.

No matter how many times I say I’m fine, 99% of the time for anyone saying ‘I’m fine’ is just a lie.

A lie that so many people believe and we all tell the same lie and wonder why the truth was so bitter.

I’m here consciously rambling about my mental and I know all of it is about me and I feel like the world is closing in on me but I have no hope for any opposing force to help me push the world and all it’s pressures and responsibilities away from me.

The damage it will do to me is collateral,

Funny how this state of mind is enough to make me contemplate my own life and I wonder who caused it

Because I didn’t make that choice

&

Please if I could stop it,

I would.

Sometimes I wonder if anything is even wrong with me

Or

My life is just an entire drama that I’m starring in.

My hypocritical rude self starring in a drama about my hypocritical rude self

&

No I’m not attention seeking

Because if I was I feel like I would have jumped off that bridge already.

But maybe it’s all in my head and I’m really just a happy person trying to understand a suicidal one.

Elizabeth Akinwande

Written 2/5/17 a few months before I met Christ and got saved. The love of Christ became the opposing force that pushed the world and it’s weight off of me🕊🌸💕

Lawless

Sandy brown,

Golden rings,

Picture frames,

Lost songs & your voice rings through the silence, whispers in the heavy air.

I prayed, I prayed deeply for you.

God answered me

&

I’ll see you soon.

Sweet Darragh, sweet sweet Darragh. Rest In Peace.

Maybe it was your time truly.

He could have raised you, breathed life into you.

But he didn’t so maybe it was your time.

Your time to teach us a lesson on love.

On how to treat people,

How to pay attention, how to respect others.

To see needs.

Teach us how to be there for one another.

A+,

I’ve graduated,

H1,

I’ve graduated.

I now a teacher & teach this lesson to everyone I will ever come across, to all the hearts I get the joy of touching.

Sweet Darragh, Sweet Sweet Darragh

Rest In Peace,

Knowing,

Class is in session.

Elizabeth Akinwande

Dedicated to Sweet Darragh Lawless, a victim of the world. 2/2/19♥️

Darragh

How hostile were you World, that he took his own life just to leave you.

How far does the animosity have to reach.

The inequalities have to peak.

How many times does someone have to pass you by to develop a true sense of loneliness.

The jitters, the sniggers, the laughs, how loud does it all become to deafen the hope inside you.

That limit is different for everyone.

The edge might be closer for some people,

A lot easier to jump.

Hello, Hi, you.

How much can you love,

How much hope can you instill,

How much joy can you spread.

How much attention can you give,

Kindness can you loan.

That limit is endless for everyone.

Beautiful things abound

Settling in us.

Planting itself deep within us.

Be fruitful.

Blossom

Flourish

Bloom

In love.

Wear it like a necklace, engrave it on the tablet of your heart.

3:3

Kindness & Grace, let them peak

&

Bridge gaps between brokenness & whole.

Storms & calms.

Between,

Edges and pathways for two.

Dedicated to Sweet Darragh Lawless ❤️

I fall back

I fall back.

Continuously.

I don’t resist,

I forget to ask for strength,

I fall back.

While I’m on the edge of the road,

I wonder whether I should roll over in the dust & allow the polluted air fill my lungs and destroy me from the inside.

Or

Will I remember to ask for strength,

And not let my failure simmer.

Will I get up & allow grace to come cleanse me.

Yes I will remember

I’ve walked far enough on this road to know what it feels like to choke on the impurities around you.

The constricting pain of it holding you in place.

I fall back, continuously but I hate doing it.

So I get up.

I’ve learnt to get up.

The Christ in me gives me strength to rise each and every single time I fall.

&

The grace to shorten my time on the ground.

The love to realize, the air was purified by his blood.

The joy to understand what awaits me when I continuously get back up again.

I get back up,

Constantly.

I don’t wallow,

I remember what the cross has done for me

&

I get back up

Constantly.

Elizabeth Akinwande

Will

And I’m just wallowing, wallowing because I’m scared of doing what’s right. Rosa Parks once said you must never be fearful about what you are doing when it is right but World I’m terrified and maybe I’m wrong. Changing the world is a dream everyone has but it seems slowly my dreams are being crushed I’m losing hope and you, World, are just so discouraging. I’m sorry I wish to spread positivity and advocate for change but World, are you willing?

Are you willing?

Willing to give me my rights,

my blackness,

my femininity,

my body.

Willing?

To give her the education she deserves,

To get him off the streets,

To give them freedom

Freedom to be who they want to be.

Are you willing?

To break down social constructs

And labels.

Tell me World,

Can I really truly be myself while I live in you, though I’m not of you

While I’m told to conform.

Tell me World, but don’t tell me loudly.

I already know the answer.

&

God gave you freely:

WILL

you?

Elizabeth Akinwande

Crazy

You make me crazy,

You make me want to try,

I gave my heart legs.

It walked straight to you.

It’s too good to be true.

Yet I’m willing to sacrifice,

Me for you.

Can you love me,

If I let you.

Let you break down my walls that kept you locked outside.

Will you come in, keep me warm & build them back up around us.

You’re so common. Not with this world.

But with my soul.

You make me crazy,

Crazy because I think of

Normality.

Normality with you.

Elizabeth Akinwande